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Well here i am again - i am guessing you are bored of me by now - but ha ha it is my page you can't escape me! lol

Anyway this is my jokes page where i will put up what i find funny. - I nabbed a big joke from my mate Graham's page but i found it so funny i thought i would put it on mine too. If anyone finds this offensive then - pfffff - go to a public american highschool and find out what horrible life is really like. anyway if you have any jokes you think i might like or u think i might hate or if you think are funny or really stupid then email them to me @

chocolatemoose2004@another.com

DO YOU KNOW JACK SHIT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who exactly is Jack Shit? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says; "You don't know Jack Shit!" Well thanks to my genealogical efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Here we go;

Jack Shit is the only son of Aww Shit. Aww Shit the fertilizer magnate, married O Shit, The owner of Needeep N. Shit, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Shit married No Shit. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holy Shit, Giva Shit, Fulla Shit, Bull Shit, and the twins Deep Shit and Dip Shit. Against her parents' objections, Deep Shit Married Dumb Shit, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and No Shit were divorced. No Shit and Ted Sherlock later married, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as No Shit Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Shit married Loada Shit, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Shit.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Shit and Giva Shit, were inseperable throughout childhood as subsequently married the Happens brothers in dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Shit - Happens nupitals.

The Shit Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Shit, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new italian bride, Pisa Shit.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Shit," You can correct them.

Sincerely, Crock O. Shit

(all credit to Graham - i nabbed this joke from him.)

An English man, a Scottish man and an Irish man are walking through the dessert and they are about half a mile from the nearest town when they find a genie bottle. they decide to rup on it and when they do the genie say

"If you can each find me 100 of a fruit, bring it back here then complete one more task i will give you each three wishes."

so all three men run off to the town and the english man gets back first with 100 grapes.. The genie tells him "If you can fit all of those grapes up your ass without laughing then i will grant you your three wishes. The english man tries and tries for ages and finally gets all 100 up his ass.

The Scottish man gets back next with 100 kiwi's and the genie tells him the same thing. the scottish man tries and tries and on the 99th one he bursts out laughing. The genie looks at him and says "What the Hell? you have 99 kiwi's up your ass. Why are you laughing? and the scottish man replies.

"When i was at the market i saw the Irish man buying 100 pinapples."

 

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

 

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 miles home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

 

This Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife. Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story. "Wow, that's awful, what did you do?" the bartender asked. "Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and came straight back here. Shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."

 

A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitues. 'Want to have some fun?" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"

 

alot of these jokes are from www.comedy-zone.net - go and look around it - i am sorry i couldn't put all of their jokes and quotes on my pages.